Hardrock Zombies

Originally appeared in obscene fanzine issue 14 2001

I brought this video tape the other day from cash converts. There were two major factors behind this random purchase firstly it was only $2 (I really couldn't go wrong even if the movie was total shit I could tape over it and it would still be cheaper than a blank tape) Secondly the title HARD ROCK ZOMBIES, fuck me if that isn't a excellent title what more could you asks for in a trashy 80's flick zombies and a hard rock band. The title you would think explained the whole film. But no, this film literally had it all.

Let me set the scene, when I sat down to watch this movie it was with my bad taste partner in crime Mark. We were partaking in what has become a bit of a ritual at Studio El Obscneito: the morning after the drinking binge movies fest, in this case it was at the tail end of 3 days straight of pure liver damage. We were sitting around in a seedy stupor when I suggested I whack the movies on as I hadn't had time yet to watch it myself. Mark was instantly aroused as I initially was by the title (being the rock demi god I that he is and horror fan) so I did.

What was to follow was to exceed even my expectations which by now if you don't know aren't really that high. You know you're on a good wicket when the establishing scene is two meat heads with mullets picking up a real hot chick hitching in the middle of nowhere. Before you know they have pulled up at a swimming hole to have a swim (please read "to root"). The trio strip naked and jump on into the water, then the chick proceeds to drown the two guys. All this is taking place while a bloke with a camera, a little mutant and a midget document the whole thing from the bushes. The murderous group drag the victims out the water and bag them up not before the psycho chick cuts of one of the dude’s hands whilst singing the Beatles song "I wanna hold your hand”. All this happening to some obscure cock rock backing track WHAT A WINNER!!

So let me recap, already in the first 5 minutes this film as featured;
·  A touch of cock rock;
·  A hot naked chick ;
·  Murder, blood and gore;
·  Dudes with mullets;
·  A mutant; and
·  A freaky midget (is there any other kind).
Okay so after this stellar intro we are introduced to heroes of this masterpiece. Enter ‘Holy Moses’ a band fully  equipped with leather, make up, spandex and really big hair rock mullets, singing an undiscovered cock classic in its entirety "shake it up" obviously to establish there cred as a real hard rock band.

So after the second establishing scene, the movie really hits its stride and we are treated/ exposed to;

·  A werewolf that looked like an Ewok on a really bad acid trip
·  A family of psychos made up of freaks and Nazis (the grandfather turns out to be Hitler in disguise)
·  Inbred country folk
·  Repeated shots of unhappy inbred country folk apparently unimpressed by the band
·  A good old record burning rally
·  Extended music clips of the band to set the scene every 15 minutes
·  Old School  American muscle cars
·  Black Magic that brings back the dead; and finally
·  Zombies.
In amongst all of this, believe it or not there is even a story line, sort of, which, according to the video jacket-goes like this;
Jesse is the teenage heart throb who leads a band about to break into the big time. Unfortunately one of the groupies happens to be a strange young woman with a lust for naked murders, and she along with her ghoulish family have developed a taste for rock signers.

Well what a buy for $2. I would bet that this film was made by fans of horror and rock n roll, because it looks like they couldn't decide on what favourite elements to put in the film so they just said Fuck it and put them all in.

Things to watch out for!!!!

1 min - have seen this video before. Wait, midgets? Nudity?  Best video ever!

6 mins – Hey is that band going to play the entire song. Friends, this is a dangerous precedent.

13 mins - Oh no, not again.

15 mins - Just keep hoping that the car will come alive and kill them all.


91 mins - Take that, Hitler!

A note of warning though, unless you are a fan of bad 80's films and I mean really bad, don't attempt to watch this alone or straight for that matter. This flick should be viewed when one is slightly off kilter and in the company of friends to be truly appreciated and enjoyed. It is for this reason that Hard Rock Zombies defiantly deserves its place in the Obscene Hangover hall of Fame even if it gets there on title alone.

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